Hey ad man, have your cool hunters turned you on to this piece of audio adrenaline yet? It’s the latest release by San Francisco’s darkwave trio The Soft Moon. A rising synth driven intensity that I’m sure, if not you, then one of your teeny dick competitors is most certainly going to use in the soundtrack of whatever violent, no-brain, sexed up piece of celluloid caca they’re trying push on the teens. Yeah, that’s right buddy, a few moments from now this song is gonna be all over your TV, in the background of your favorite cop show or pulsing over the advertisement for some FPS video game. So yeah, I know that your intern Francine has a pussy that’s the next best thing to heaven and that she will do anything, (and I mean, anything) for the duds you buy her and the coke you slip to her on the side but if you don’t pull that monster schlong you’re wielding from out of her ass and throw some money at these boys, you’re gonna miss out and if that happens, I’m gonna beat you to death with a crow bar because there’s not a chance in hell that I’m gonna sit through yet another four-hour lunch listening to you bitch and moan about how you should have, once again, listened to Mr. Rich.
I’m keeping track here, asshole and you’re well beyond strike three.
You can’t reach the phone because you got Francine bent over the copy machine?
Why you ungrateful little twat. How you keep your business out of the shitter is beyond me. Well, if that’s the way you’re gonna be, at least turn your stereo up because this song is also perfect for an ass banging or, in your case, you can use it as your theme song when the money all dries up and you’re out on the street, sucking dick for a cheese burger behind the Dairy Queen.
Later, jerk off.
I’ll be back with my crowbar when you least expect me.
Top image: Illustration by Daniel Arsham